A delayed note on Grief

8:12 PM

Talking about grief is difficult. Its not easy to articulate everything you're feeling. But today I'm going to try because it feels necessary. Maybe it'll help me cope and move forward or maybe it'll help someone else feel a little bit less alone in their grief. 

On December 26th I lost my Nana. She was- is- one of my favorite people in the entire world. My whole life I have watched her and tried to be as kind, as generous, as creative, and as fun as she was. Her life was full of laughter and she carried joy with her wherever she went. She was never idle, she was alway going somewhere, doing something spectacular. She is the reason I love to travel so much and why I started painting. She made life colorful. But when she was diagnosed with brain cancer, life didn't feel so colorful anymore. Everything felt heavy, and dark. I watched her struggle through six months of pain and then she was gone. It felt too fast, it felt cruel. I cried angry prayers, begging God to heal her. During the last few months my prayer was mostly 'If you won't heal her, please just make it stop.' He did. The morning after Christmas we crowded around her bedside and watched her leave- fighting all the way. My prayer was thankful after that. She went to meet the God she loved so dearly. The past 9 months have been crippling. I found myself on the floor crying out to God more than I can count. Somehow through all this mess, hope has been peering out. My family is closer now, we're stronger. I've grown even closer to a good friend because her grandmother passed away from cancer just before mine. I feel bolder now, as if my Nana 's confidence and love of people has come out in me. I'm still sad, I still cry quite a bit- especially if I try to talk about it, but there seems to be deeper, brighter moments of joy than there have been in my life in a long time. God will make beautiful things from these seasons of despair. And while I heal and slowly unpack the sadness and depression I've been carying, I will continue to think about my Nana and all the beauty she gave to this world, and maybe, if I'm lucky, I might be able to do the same. 
-e

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