A little bit of everything

4:18 PM

I am an introvert. A fierce introvert. It takes a while for me to open up to the idea of being friends with someone, and even longer to get close to them. So being thrown into a situation where I'm living in close contact with 30 new people gets me a little overwhelmed to say the least. At first I was just excited to be in a new place, then I was trying to convince myself that I might not have my reoccurring introversion problems, I made a few new friends, got a tiny bit close to a couple of girls, and finally then it hit me. This irrepressible fear of letting people into my life. I didn't want these people to actually know me, see my flaws, my hurts, my struggles. I'm very good at showing people an edited version of myself, but I can only keep that up for so long. Eventually the flaws come out. I drew into myself. I decided that it was only a few months, I didn't need deep connections; surface level relationships are fine. They aren't. God has a funny way of revealing truth when we are most resistant to it. Suddenly I found myself bearing my soul over chocolate cake to a pair of girls I've only known for a month. That may seem like a while to know someone, but for me it's barely an acquaintance. Now I find myself craving deep conversations with the people around me. I may not be so great at initiating said conversations, but the fact that I'm willing to have them is a big step for me. I'm learning to deal with myself and the emotions that come when I'm in a big group. Instead of feeling anonymous I look for the comfort in small interactions, I know I won't be extroverted overnight, or ever but I think I'm learning to look over the walls I've built and think about climbing over them. 

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