7:45 PM


Sometimes you need to disappear for a while. When I was 18 years old, I wrote a poem about moving away and disappearing into a new life. Then I moved away and disappeared from the things that I hated about myself. Unfortunately the process of disappearing, while it has its benefits, also creates a void where your old self once stood. I forgot, or was forgotten, by friends and places I loved. For me, it wasn't perfect or ideal, but it was necessary: the result of a trauma. I needed some thing unfamiliar, because the familiar was either stale or heartbreaking. So I started over, completely. The things I loved had to be sacrificed to make room for the things I so desperately needed. 
Before college, I was hiding, shrinking from the person I wanted to be. During college, I changed, built myself anew. I was gifted beautiful friendships and I learned endlessly about my own heart. 
Then after college, I disappeared again. 
Trauma once more visited me in an already empty place in life. This time however, I needed something to pull me out of complacency. I lost my hope. That's when I disappeared. I hid myself in books, in songs, and in naps. I drank lots of wine and I watched a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
There is nearly a year and a half between me and that invisible, hesitant person. I'm starting to reappear, but the fog is slow to clear and I feel as though I've been gone too long. I don't want to sacrifice my friends again; my college relationships are so dear to my heart because they made me who I am. 
This post isn't meant to be cryptic or dramatic, but I know it will come across that way. I don't anticipate anyone reading this, but who knows? Post grad life is weird, so why not blog about it?
-e


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