A Simple Sparkle

Nice, simple girl... simple... simple. What happened to containing multitudes? Nice- rarely. Nice is boring. Caring, maybe. Passionate. Friendly? Sometimes. I won't sum you up in an insulting adjective, when each one of us is  a chasm of stories and desires and faults and charms.  "What did you think?" I think you will be controlling and condescending.  "Are you nervous?" I am bored. I am tired of your presumptive remarks.  "So you're a... you're from... you must be so..." I am a thousand things and so are you, though nine hundred of them are irritating me.  This tea is the best part of this date. Thanks for the bagel, and the insults to go with it.  -e

Talking about grief is difficult. Its not easy to articulate everything you're feeling. But today I'm going to try because it feels necessary. Maybe it'll help me cope and move forward or maybe it'll help someone else feel a little bit less alone in their grief.  On December 26th I lost my Nana. She was- is- one of my favorite people in the entire world. My whole life I have watched her and tried to be as kind, as generous, as creative, and as fun as she was. Her life was full of laughter and she carried joy with her wherever she went. She was never idle, she was alway going somewhere, doing something spectacular. She is the reason I love to travel so much and why I started painting. She made life colorful. But when she was diagnosed with brain cancer, life didn't feel so colorful anymore. Everything felt heavy, and dark. I watched her struggle through six months of pain and then she was gone. It felt too fast, it felt cruel. I cried angry prayers, begging God t...

Today I am thankful for friendships that span hundreds of miles and I'm thankful for a God who never runs out of grace. This Thanksgiving finds me in a rough place. Life is an unpredictable mess sometimes, but I'm learning to be thankful for the messiness of it all. In moments of pain and fear I'm thankful for the raw reality that gets stirred up. I think I get complacent at times and forget how precious even the suffering can be. I'm learning to savor the sadness for what it gives- a new awareness of blessings. Everyday, God reminds me of the good things that hide behind the bad. Happiness is not so far away really, it's just out of my line of sight and until I can see it I will appreciate the suffering that will eventually break and breath a sigh of relief. So today, if you're struggling at all, remember that God is present and He is in control.  Happy Thanksgiving  -e

I grew up around creativity. My parents are both extraordinarily creative individuals and the phrase "artsy- fartsy" has been applied to my family on multiple occasions. So my pursuit of the creative began early. Theatre and music was my outlet of choice and I saw myself doing those things as more than a hobby once I achieved "grown up" status. But somewhere along the line I lost that desire for an artsy life. It seemed far fetched and unrealistic. I spent the first two years of college trying to figure out what major I could tolerate for two more years that would still get me a decent job. I chose communications for it's practicality and I've found that I'm not just tolerating it. I'm excited about it! It's no longer a battle to convince myself to go to class at 9am. I'm enamored by what I'm learning, but I'm also realizing that the classes I love the most aren't the classes that are teaching me "practical" and...

"Maybe you just have to live for the small things, like being called pretty or someone picking up the pen you dropped or laughing so hard that your stomach hurts. Maybe that's all that really matters at the end of the day." - Tianna Kavanagh  This week I've been reminded just how tragically beautiful life is. This week has been hard, probably one of the hardest in my life, but  I've been clinging to the little things and the certainty of God to make it though. Sometimes life just hurts, but I can see that it won't always because of the friends in my life and the wonderful little kindnesses they give me. When I look back at college I'm going to remember my best friend bringing me coffee, because she knows it's my comfort food, and my roommate climbing into the top bunk to hold me while I cried. And so many people telling me that they're praying for me. That used to mean very little to me. Oh sure, I appreciated it, but in this moment praye...

I've gotten into the habit of saying "get excited" sarcastically. As in "Spanish quiz tomorrow, get excited!"or "About to start that 20 page research paper... Get excited!" And recently, I've been struggling to be actually excited about things. Whenever I'm truly excited about something, I tend to play it down and my demeanor suddenly becomes "too cool for school" as I pretend to be mildly amused while suppressing the desire to jump up and down and laugh and giggle at something that sets my heart aflutter. Where did this reservation come from and why can't I shake it? What causes me to cover up an excitement that is bursting from within me? My theory is that somewhere along the line, high school probably, someone convinced me that my enthusiasm made me nerdy or childish and so I chose to reign it in and tone it down in order to please some standard I thought I had to meet. There's a well known quote from John Green that...

It's no secret that "Drops of Jupiter" is my favorite song. I can't really explain why, but I just really love it. One of the best lines is "[She] reminds me that there's room to change" yea ehhh ehh ehh ehh yeahh.... I've always liked the optimism of it, there is no point at which you cannot change your mind, yourself, your life. But where in life is there this room for change? Today, in my Theatre and the Church class we were discussing how in acting, "what's true today doesn't have to be true tomorrow". Our choice for a character can change as we grow and learn more about that role. There is freedom to change and to mess up. This led to us talking about how society tells us not to make mistakes, that we have to do things perfectly the first time. Consequently, every time we mess up we throw ourselves into a trench of embarrassment and shame. Why is it so wrong to make a mistake? How do we learn? How do we change and grow...

I have tried to find the source of this quote, but I have searched in vain. Now I'm forced to admit that I saw it on Pinterest. But don't judge me for my resources, God can talk to you through any way He chooses to. He chose Pinterest for me.  "Treat every person you meet today like they are the most important person in the world."  This has been my challenge for the semester. For me this means being available, listening without distraction, putting the phone away at dinner and listening to people. A theme at TU this year is "Presence" and it correlates perfectly with this goal God has given me. I need to be present in my relationships, giving my undivided attention to whoever asks for it. I also need to be present in my classes. I need to learn to treat my professors like they are the most important people in the world. I'm paying to do so anyway, might as well embrace it. I have a terrible habit of checking out in class and day dreaming, or day ...

I love The Mindy Project and Mindy Kaling in general. I recently finished reading her hilarious book: I could hardly put it down and while I was glued to it I confirmed what has been a long time suspicion of mine. Mindy and I could be best friends in real life. Now I know that sounds creepy, but read what we have in common and then you'll understand. 15 Reasons Why Mindy Kaling and I Must be the Same Person We were both wallflowers in highschool, quietly pursuing a passion We both decided to go to college in the middle of nowhere (Taylor's not as fancy as Dartmouth, but I'll take what I can get) We are both bad/ awkward with children. We like children, we just don't always have the best instincts with them We both like dieting, but also like not dieting...  We take our best friendships very seriously, so we would be unstoppable as friends.  We enjoy sharing a bed with my friends (no matter the size) We hate "roast" style humor We love indi...

Well life at TU is back in full swing and I'm still adjusting to the new major. I officially declared my communications major yesterday and it was strangely nerve-wracking. I felt silly being a junior, declaring my major for the first time. I had a lot of firsts this week; I had my first communications class, I signed up to audition for my first musical, I had my first spanish class of college and it is world's different from high school spanish- I might actually have to study! It's been a week of catching up, moving in, hugging, adjusting, and syllabus shock. But mostly this week has been awkward. I realize now that I'm a junior I really have very little excuse to be awkward and shy. I have to just jump in there and do life. I have to stop worrying about the impression I'm making. I've already learned that life is better when I'm just myself, it's just hard to put that into practice. There's the awkward "introduce yourself to the class...

I have been obsessed with finding a major since I first stepped on campus for Freshman Orientation two years ago. I have considered every possible option and every career path, pouring over curriculum guides, accepting advice from anywhere I could get it, with the exception of my actual advisor... by the middle of sophomore year I was on my third change of major and hating it. I was running out of time and I still had no idea what I wanted to do. So what do you do when you have to move forward but there's no where left to go? You flee the country. I went to Ireland with the hopes of buying some time to make a decision. I knew several people who had gone on the same program and they all told me what a life changing experience it had been. The Irish Studies Program, where all of your dreams come true! That was how I imagined it. I thought I would spend a semester learning about leprechauns and pressing into God and by the time I got home I would be so assured on God's plan f...

Well, I'm back stateside! It was quite the little adventure trying to make my way home, but I finally made it. I'm happy to be home with all things familiar and a summer of infinite possibilities ahead of me, but I'm a little homesick for Ireland and all the people there. But let's talk about France. After I left Ireland I spent six glorious days in France with my family and it was a magical experience. Paris is the most beautiful city I have ever been in. Everything about it so lovely and quaint. It's a place that titillates the senses. The sounds of the metro, though screeching and murmuring make you feel like you're being pulled into an adventure you never expected. I heard music in the rusty creaks of the underground escalators and the voices of arguing Frenchmen in the streets. Everywhere you turn there are more things to see and the most stimulating smells imaginable. On one corner you sniff the peonies from the florist and on the next your ...

How do I sum up an entire semester in a single post? I can't. If you've been reading you already know many of the things I've learned, but I feel like I need something to close us out since I leave the Emerald Isle tomorrow evening. I guess I shall simply follow suit of my good friends Leanna at  between a shamrock and a good place  and Arianne at  unicorns and peaches . The most significant thing I got out of this semester was friendships. I'm the type of person who can only be close to two or three people at a time, but here I lived with 31 people day in and day out for three months. We got pretty close as you can imagine. I learned to talk to people and open up to people that I otherwise would have never gotten to know. I'm not best friends with all 31 of these people, but I have more friends now that I think I've ever had in my life and it breaks my heart to think about leaving them tomorrow. I'll see many of them again in th...