A Simple Sparkle

Talking about grief is difficult. Its not easy to articulate everything you're feeling. But today I'm going to try because it feels necessary. Maybe it'll help me cope and move forward or maybe it'll help someone else feel a little bit less alone in their grief.  On December 26th I lost my Nana. She was- is- one of my favorite people in the entire world. My whole life I have watched her and tried to be as kind, as generous, as creative, and as fun as she was. Her life was full of laughter and she carried joy with her wherever she went. She was never idle, she was alway going somewhere, doing something spectacular. She is the reason I love to travel so much and why I started painting. She made life colorful. But when she was diagnosed with brain cancer, life didn't feel so colorful anymore. Everything felt heavy, and dark. I watched her struggle through six months of pain and then she was gone. It felt too fast, it felt cruel. I cried angry prayers, begging God t

Today I am thankful for friendships that span hundreds of miles and I'm thankful for a God who never runs out of grace. This Thanksgiving finds me in a rough place. Life is an unpredictable mess sometimes, but I'm learning to be thankful for the messiness of it all. In moments of pain and fear I'm thankful for the raw reality that gets stirred up. I think I get complacent at times and forget how precious even the suffering can be. I'm learning to savor the sadness for what it gives- a new awareness of blessings. Everyday, God reminds me of the good things that hide behind the bad. Happiness is not so far away really, it's just out of my line of sight and until I can see it I will appreciate the suffering that will eventually break and breath a sigh of relief. So today, if you're struggling at all, remember that God is present and He is in control.  Happy Thanksgiving  -e

I grew up around creativity. My parents are both extraordinarily creative individuals and the phrase "artsy- fartsy" has been applied to my family on multiple occasions. So my pursuit of the creative began early. Theatre and music was my outlet of choice and I saw myself doing those things as more than a hobby once I achieved "grown up" status. But somewhere along the line I lost that desire for an artsy life. It seemed far fetched and unrealistic. I spent the first two years of college trying to figure out what major I could tolerate for two more years that would still get me a decent job. I chose communications for it's practicality and I've found that I'm not just tolerating it. I'm excited about it! It's no longer a battle to convince myself to go to class at 9am. I'm enamored by what I'm learning, but I'm also realizing that the classes I love the most aren't the classes that are teaching me "practical" and

"Maybe you just have to live for the small things, like being called pretty or someone picking up the pen you dropped or laughing so hard that your stomach hurts. Maybe that's all that really matters at the end of the day." - Tianna Kavanagh  This week I've been reminded just how tragically beautiful life is. This week has been hard, probably one of the hardest in my life, but  I've been clinging to the little things and the certainty of God to make it though. Sometimes life just hurts, but I can see that it won't always because of the friends in my life and the wonderful little kindnesses they give me. When I look back at college I'm going to remember my best friend bringing me coffee, because she knows it's my comfort food, and my roommate climbing into the top bunk to hold me while I cried. And so many people telling me that they're praying for me. That used to mean very little to me. Oh sure, I appreciated it, but in this moment praye

I've gotten into the habit of saying "get excited" sarcastically. As in "Spanish quiz tomorrow, get excited!"or "About to start that 20 page research paper... Get excited!" And recently, I've been struggling to be actually excited about things. Whenever I'm truly excited about something, I tend to play it down and my demeanor suddenly becomes "too cool for school" as I pretend to be mildly amused while suppressing the desire to jump up and down and laugh and giggle at something that sets my heart aflutter. Where did this reservation come from and why can't I shake it? What causes me to cover up an excitement that is bursting from within me? My theory is that somewhere along the line, high school probably, someone convinced me that my enthusiasm made me nerdy or childish and so I chose to reign it in and tone it down in order to please some standard I thought I had to meet. There's a well known quote from John Green that

It's no secret that "Drops of Jupiter" is my favorite song. I can't really explain why, but I just really love it. One of the best lines is "[She] reminds me that there's room to change" yea ehhh ehh ehh ehh yeahh.... I've always liked the optimism of it, there is no point at which you cannot change your mind, yourself, your life. But where in life is there this room for change? Today, in my Theatre and the Church class we were discussing how in acting, "what's true today doesn't have to be true tomorrow". Our choice for a character can change as we grow and learn more about that role. There is freedom to change and to mess up. This led to us talking about how society tells us not to make mistakes, that we have to do things perfectly the first time. Consequently, every time we mess up we throw ourselves into a trench of embarrassment and shame. Why is it so wrong to make a mistake? How do we learn? How do we change and grow